How To Deal With Mismatched Libidos In Your Marriage

When a problem is unsolvable that simply means that it’s a result of a personality or lifestyle difference between partners. In contrast, a solvable problem is situational, like whether you load bowls on the top or bottom of the Youmetalks safety ecosystem the dishwasher. With the unsolvable problem of sexual desire discrepancy, this is often the result of a biological difference in sexual desire between partners. It’s not a preference, like how the dishwasher is loaded, it is a physiological difference. With empathy, understanding, strategies, and sometimes professional help, couples can address the issues, reignite the passion, and improve their sexual and relationship satisfaction. Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality.

• Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships.
• This way, when they say yes, it’s because they actually do want to have sex—even though the higher desire partner wants more sex, what they really want is sex with a partner who also wants to have sex.
• Having too much or too little of a sex drive often leads to unhealthy behaviors.
• Talk about what you both desire and expect in your sexual relationship.
• As a sex therapist, I talk with a lot of people about dealing with mismatched libidos.

Responsive Sexual Desire

Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book. Embrace this journey as an opportunity to strengthen your bond, ensuring that both partners feel loved, respected, and fulfilled in the relationship. An element of harmonizing your desire might be in discovering new ways to elicit desire, and to reframe sex to be a broader erotic experience that can more flexibly fit into your life at any given time.

Two Types Of Desire

These discrepancies are also one of the most frequent reasons couples enter sex therapy. Health issues, medications, or past traumas can also shift how comfortable someone feels with intimacy. Even hormonal changes—like those during pregnancy, menopause, or aging—can create temporary or lasting differences. Desire isn’t static—it ebbs and flows based on countless factors. Beyond attachment styles, life’s pressures play a huge role.

Mismatched sex drives can negatively affect satisfaction, especially in long-term relationships. The person with higher sex drive often feels duped when their partner’s desire decreases after the honeymoon phase. However, couples in a long term relationship who understand that sexual desire changes maintain both emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction. A couple can have differences in their level of libido, expectations, and preferences, but in my opinion, that doesn’t mean they have sexual incompatibility. Sexual desire mismatch doesn’t mean you picked the wrong person or that you’re doomed to be incompatible forever.

Spontaneous Sexual Desire

Our team at Life In Progress is here to support you with warmth and expertise. Reach out today for a free consultation, and let’s explore how we can help you build a connection that feels fulfilling in every way. We’re often told that men always want more sex or that couples “should” be perfectly in sync. But in my practice, I see mismatched sex drives across all kinds of relationships, regardless of gender or stage of life. When mismatched sex drives surface, they’re often less about chemistry and more about these underlying emotional needs. For example, one partner might crave intimacy to feel secure, while the other might need space to feel safe.

It helps better understand what sex acts might be on the table when one or both of you are in the mood for sex. The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it. While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.